Lately I have realised that I have been thinking about the past far too much. To be honest, during the week I found myself crying myself to sleep over something that happened over a year ago. It's funny because at the time, I wasn't half as upset. It's only lately it's really hitting me how wrongly I was treated and even though it's over now and I'm out of that situation, it still really upsets me and makes me angry for kind of accepting it at the time. It's like I'm having some kind of delayed reaction. The time and space has given me the perspective to realise just how bad it was.

I keep going over and over it in my head. All the little things that happened, all the cruel words and actions, all the mean and horrible things and sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve to be treated that way. It made me feel worthless, like I wasn't worthy of anything else, of anything better. A series of questions are swirling around in my brain, they go a little something like this... 'am I not worthy of what everyone else seems to be getting so easily?' 'Why did this have to happen to me?' 'Why am I so unlucky?' and 'Why am I so hard to love?'

I know that these thoughts are all wrong. That the problem wasn't with me, it was with them. But it's so hard to really make yourself believe that. Every single day I have to tell myself that I am good enough, and that I am worthy and honestly, I can't wait for the day where I wake up feeling like that and don't have to remind myself. I cant wait for the day that I can truly let go of the past. 

Sorry about how depressing this post is and how cryptic it is. Maybe I will talk about it in more detail sometime, I doubt it, but who knows. 

Sinéad x

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