I am sad. I'm not quiet so sure why. I think listening to Ed Sheeran's amazing new but slightly depressing album may be a contributing factor. 'Bloodstream' is on right now and my throat is literally chocked. It's weird how music forces your emotions out. Melancholy is one emotion I am experiencing a lot lately. "melancholyˈmɛlənkəli/ noun 1. a feeling of pensive sadness, with no obvious cause" Yup that's me.
But of course, there is always a cause for a bad mood. Sometimes they're not obvious but after digging deep I think I've found my causes.
I think my feelings are a combination of exasperation with so many things that seem to constantly never work out in my life and I am sick of it. Annoyance with myself for wanting things to change, for my life to keep moving on to it's next stage but having absolutely no motivation or courage to make it happen and finally, wistfulness. I am an incredibly wistful person. This year has been amazing. I have had a lot of happy times and created so many wonderful memories so whenever I am having days or weeks where I am bored, lonely and just existing rather than living I am longing for the times when I was smiling and happy. Different events and experiences go around in my head and I yearn to go back to them, those people, those places, those elated feelings. I always feel sad they are over and worry that I won't continue to create those memories.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this on here but I do know that I am writing my blog for me and no one else really. Last night I read so many old posts of mine and it was so lovely to remember things. To see a picture of a moment in my past. I am addicted to blogging and I don't see myself stopping any time soon so I want this to end up as a little chronicle of my twenties (or at least my early twenties) to look back on. These are probably the most significant years of my life. I want to record a collection of all of my thoughts, experiences, dreams, everything, and not just the happy ones. I really hope that one day I will have a sidebar that reads "2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017... and I will be able to click on them and bring the Sinead of that year back to life.
“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer